The following was copied from Divorcing a Narcissist Blog.  Reading this seemed like an echo of my own life and thoughts.  Sometimes I even ask myself, “WHY did you wait nearly 20 YEARS before finally getting out of your abusive marriage??”.  Although this is told from a woman's perspective, and some of the tiny details are different, this blog posts puts my answers into words that I haven’t been able to find for myself. 

 

#whyIstayed

I came across someone on Twitter who is doing some research on narcissistic abuse and struggling with understanding why victims of narcissistic abuse stay in the abusive relationships. I reached out and recommended that they read the #whyIstayed hashtag where victims in all types of abusive relationships summarize the reasons why they stayed… and I also recommended that they read this blog. The researcher reached out to me still having a lot of confusion on the topic and asked me outright… why did it take 8 years for you to leave?!?

It’s actually a little surprising to me how complex this question is to answer, and I think that reflects the complexity within an abusive relationship. There are so many layers to why I stayed, and that is because there are so many layers to the manipulation and abuse that I withstood at the hands of The Narcissist.
So, in an attempt to summarize and make sense of a very complex thing… here are the high level reasons why I stayed:

• It’s My Fault: I absolutely believed that the problems we were experiencing in our marriage were my fault. Years of The Narcissist’s subliminal and not-so-subliminal messaging about how everything wrong somehow came back to me had set in. I internalized those things. I really believed that if I tried harder, gave more, did the things the he asked of me, stopped feeling angry, etc. etc. things would get better. It became a constant and relentless carrot dangled in front of my face were it seemed like every day I woke up a la Groundhog Day and tried a different method to get a different outcome. Even at the very end of my journey with The Narcissist, I showed up at my therapists office looking for her to help “fix me.” I asked for help saving my marriage, I asked for help dealing with my depression, I asked for help fixing my “anger issues.” I did not show up saying “Help me I am in abusive relationship” and I think this speaks volumes to how brainwashed I was.
• I don’t really know what’s wrong here: With narcissistic abuse, defining exactly what is happening to you is such a huge part of the problem. When a partner is physically abusive it is easier to define that something wrong is being done to you. If you say out loud to another person, “My husband is hitting me” they are going to react in some way shape or form with “that is wrong!” However, when the abuse is emotional, spiritual, psychological, financial, sexual… it can be much harder to define and even harder to explain to other people. I did not even have the vocabulary to talk about these things until I started learning about emotional abuse and narcissistic personality disorder. When I did learn about these things I started being able to talk to my therapist about them and that began my journey to leaving.
• I think I’m the crazy one: The Narcissist was gaslighting me hard core. I reached a point of depression that was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I had anxiety over completing the most mundane tasks. I was struggling with intense anger and coping with my emotions. I literally thought that I was wrong. I thought that I was confused. I believed The Narcissist when he told me that he loved me, when he told me that I was not seeing things clearly due to my depression, anxiety, etc.
• I’ll never find anyone else like him: The Narcissist really had me believing his narcissistic beliefs that he was special, he was unique, he was chosen by God, he was my soulmate, he was unlike any other man on the planet. When you are brainwashed and condition to believe that you have won the lottery with your man… it is scary to think about losing that… no matter how much crap you are dealing with. You start to justify the crap and rationalize that something this good requires extra work, extra effort. You believe that you don’t deserve him. You are slightly horrified of the idea of even considering another person to fill his shoes.
• I have no one:  In order to keep The Narcissist happy over the years I literally cut off ties with pretty much everyone I loved. The few people that I still had relationships with… were distant and strained and blurred with my facade of having a perfect life. It is scary to leave an abusive situation for a number of a reasons, and believing that you have no support system in place makes it even scarier. An abuser isolates victims exactly for this reason – you are less likely to leave if you feel like you have no one to turn to for support. Keeping other people out of your life also keeps different perspectives out of your life. You hear everything filtered through The Narcissist and you have no one else to help you see that maybe, just maybe he is flipping crazy.
• I don’t deserve to be happy: My self esteem was at an all time low throughout my entire marriage to The Narcissist. I believed myself to be fat, ugly, old, and so very imperfect. I could barely hold eye contact with people in conversation. I felt like I was stupid, I didn’t think things through, I couldn’t handle stress and I couldn’t trust myself to make decisions. I literally reached a point were I believed that I deserved the treatment that I was receiving from the Narcissist… I believed that that was as happy as I would ever be.
• I’m ashamed: One of the tweets I have personally shared is: “#whyIstayed I was ashamed that such a smart girl ended up with an abusive man.” When I started to come out of the fog and realize what was really going on in my relationship, I was very ashamed. I was ashamed of my decision making. I was ashamed of the things I did out of love for The Narcissist. I was ashamed of the crazy things I said and did to my loved ones in an effort to prove that The Narcissist was right, that our marriage was okay, that I was okay. I felt like an idiot for not believing the people who concerned about me. I felt stupid for believing that things would change. I felt like I wasted so much time and energy and love and money. It’s not always an easy thing to admit that you’ve been wrong, and this one felt overwhelming.

I hope this is helpful to anyone out there struggling with understanding why someone would stay in abusive relationship. Its complicated, its messy, and unfortunately it is one of those things that unless you have experienced it on some level… it is really difficult to grasp.

For me I finally reached my breaking point at 8 years. I was so depressed I was barely functioning, we just had a miserable holiday were I wasn’t allowed to see my family and for whatever reason I had had enough. I made a decision that I was going to get help and seek a therapist who could help me “fix this marriage once and for all.” I really didn’t think at the time that that path would lead me to a divorce, but that is exactly what happened. The more that I said the things that I was experiencing out loud to my therapist the more I realized what the real problems were, and the easier it became to decide to leave.

Appreciating the Heroes – Dawn Scott, CASA

 

 

Today I’d like to take a moment to recognize one of the heroes.  This particular person went above and beyond their regular job (which was already a noble undertaking), and took action to right a wrong and to help a child in need.  Today I’d like to thank a true hero, Dawn Scott of the Georgia CASA program.

If you’re not aware of how the CASA program works, it is one of the few things that the judicial system has actually done right.  CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate.  CASAs are volunteers, often with backgrounds in child development, that are appointed by judges to advocate for children in foster care.  Unlike GALs (guardian ad litems), CASAs are not lawyers, and they are not paid, so they are not influenced by the legal system or by money.  Their only allegiance is to the child they are appointed to.  And they usually work only one or two cases at a time, so they are not overburdened like social workers.  While their reports hold no official legal weight, judges often listen to what they say and follow their recommendations.  They are true warriors for children, and heroes in my book.

When my daughter was removed from my ex-wife’s custody by Georgia DFCS, she was assigned the standard DFCS case worker and a GAL to oversee her case.  She was also blessed in a big way to be assigned Dawn Scott as her CASA.  Dawn is a genuinely kind and attentive person, and spent a lot of time with Haley listening to her needs and advocating for her interests, like CASAs are assigned to do.  But Dawn also went above and beyond her regular duties.

When Haley was placed in DFCS custody, my ex-wife told everyone stories about her abusive husband in Florida.  The responding police officer, the DFCS case workers, the GAL, the court officials, and even the Victim Advocate at Family Menders – everyone she spoke to – either bought the story at face value, or didn’t care enough to get involved.  Except for Dawn Scott.  Whether Dawn listened to Haley talk about her father, or simply suspected something fishy in Jennifer’s stories, I’ll never know.  But she decided to dig deeper.  She began to search for information about Haley’s father online.  I don’t imagine it was hard to find.  My Facebook profile is open with pictures of my children, as well as Google +, Wikipedia, and any sites I could find to put my name out there, carefully crafted to make it easy for my children to find me and see fond memories of the relationship we had.

Dawn found me immediately, and she alerted the court about what she found.  Near the beginning of December 2015, I received paperwork from the Catoosa County Court petitioning for custody of Haley.  Of course I had no idea what had happened, and the frantic phone calls and emails began.  It took me several weeks to finally get in touch with all the right people, and no one wanted to cooperate with me.  It took me another month to learn about Dawn, and when I finally emailed her about the situation, she responded immediately.  Dawn was able to meet with me before my first meeting with Haley, and she gave me valuable advice on how to reconnect with the daughter I had not seen in three years.

Were it not for Dawn Scott’s efforts going above and beyond her already admirable work as a CASA, the Georgia court system may have never contacted me about Haley’s situation.  The time it would have taken me to find out on my own is anyone’s guess.   Because of Dawn I was able to begin the journey to win back custody of my daughter and reestablish the relationship that had been stolen from us.  Thank you, Dawn Scott.  You are unquestionably a true hero.

More information about the CASA program can be found here: CASA for Children

Empowering boys and men: The psychologically/emotionally abusive mother and her son: Learn to say NO!

Another thing that makes male victims different from female victims is how they often respond to maternal abuse. While female victims of neglectful, emotionally and mentally abusive mothers often sympathize with, or even ‘defend’, their mothers actions,  male victims often display a very UNIQUE set of characteristics that hint to the abusive behavior. 

 

The following is reposted from: https://youngforever2012.wordpress.com/2012/07/26/the-subjugation-of-boysmen-by-the-abusive-mother-misandry-in-practice/

Abusive mothers are more common than you think.


Enjoy…
Fact Check-Did you know that Mothers commit the MAJORITY of child abuse according to federal statistics? And that, if not the mother, then her male partner(s) are the other most common abuser? Did you know that mothers are 3X more likely to abuse children than biological fathers?Did you know that the most common type of abuse is emotional/psychological abuse committed by mothers.  You didn’t? Hmmm thats interesting. Well what about this: did you know that the sexual abuse of girls is actually the MINORITY of child abuse committed? Really? Well yes… really. Heres another one. that our society hates to admit and often hates to be brought up: BOYS ARE often victims of FEMALE abuse, particularly emotional, physical and psychological abuse that can lower self-esteem and produce internal (and sometimes external) scars that can and often do last a life time. Is that a shock? You don’t believe me? Maybe you don’t care…..well…..there is a REASON why you most likely have never heard of this as there is a reason for everything, and we will get to that in a minute….

So, why focus on child abuse committed by mothers? Whats the importance of this? Why focus on male victims as opposed to female victims? Aren’t girls victims too? And more importantly, why focus on emotional and psychological abuse?

Before diving into the breath and depth of this issue, one must understand the importance of demographics and culture in regards to children and the  way they experience abuse. This article focuses on MALE (boy) abuse victims, and you will see why in a minute. What is important to realize before reading this article is that while abuse can and does happen to male children of various socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds, African-American and Caucasian (white) non-Hispanic young males are more likely to suffer from maternal abuse, especially emotional and psychological abuse. Other boys can be victims as well, but cultural patterns and social norms often mean that these  groups of males are more likely to be subjected to maternal/female abuse and maltreatment within the U.S.  Social and cultural differences often affect one’s experiences with child abuse, and that should always be taken into consideration.

So, onto the subject often asked of me when speaking about child abuse, “Why focus on male abuse victims of female abusers?”.  Well for starters: there isn’t a SINGLE website, book, or any other resource that seeks to specifically help male victims of maternal abuse understand their abuse or provide ways to combat and heal from it. While the publishers and directors of these organizations may mean well, they tend to ignore the fact that BOYS OFTEN express their feelings regarding an abusive situation differently than female victims will. The majority of help-style information tends to be unanimously geared toward female victims, often completely over-looking boys as a whole. One search on google or amazon.com and one can see that the MAJORITY of websites and other resources are geared towards either female victims exclusively or focusing on male perpetrators (the abuser should be treated this way REGARDLESS of gender). OR they attempt to lump male and female victims into one group, as if their experiences or treatments are frequently the same. They’re not, and most, if not all, male victims of maternal abuse will tell you that. Although all men are different, our abuse at the hands of our mothers or other women is often not cared about or lumped again under a general mantra of male perpetrators and female victims, inclduing the abusive mother as a victim herself. Another problem facing most young men and boys is that , in an efforts to better our situation and fight back against female abusers, these boys and men often face misandry, the hatred or dislike of boys and men. You can look almost anywhere and see this innate disllike and anger (boiling into rage) towards boys and men who attempt to either criticize or simply disagree with a female point of view. This, combined with the the facts mentioned above often can cause male victims of female abuse to feel responsible for their own abuse, and internalizes a sense of shame about being who they are, a victim of maternal abuse.

Yet another tragedy facing abused boys: many male survivors of maternal abuse, either facilitated by the mother or commited directly by her, are BLAMED for their own maltreatment, or DENIED the right to be a ‘victim’ as their abuse is denied and their abuser(s) are pardoned, or even rewarded. These boys are essentially forced into silence by the majority, leading many to a path of internal and external self-destruction. Not only are the  male victims of maternal abuse often blamed or ignored, but society often goes to great lengths to make the abuser (the mother) the victim. Many young men have experienced or witnessed this type of scenario where a boy is uniformly hated for speaking negatively or fighting back against his mother or her male partner, as if a mother is somehow always the victim, or that the abuse shouldn’t be spoken about, or even worse: that there is an ‘explanation’ (excuse) as to why she did what she did and the son should be ‘punished’ for being ungrateful for his mothers ‘love’.
And, when attempting to speak out about these abusers, male maternal abuse survivors often hear these responses:

“Shes your MOTHER!”

“Show her some respect for all she does for you!”

“Its not abuse, its not that serious.”

“Whatever, you’re making stuff up”

“Shes doing the best she can, don’t blame her…”

“You must hate women or something….”

“No, its your fathers fault and she can do whatever she wants!”

“YOU NEED TO RESPECT WOMEN!”

or the ever so famous sentiment: “Poor her…” as if somehow, she herself is a victim.

Now, many child abusers were often once victims themselves, but ask yourself this: Would we blame a victim of a rape? Or try to explain away the actions of the perpetrator? Would one dare to tell a victim of rape: “He was turned on, you shouldn’t have been in that room by yourself with him…”

We wouldn’t do that, yet male victims often face this victim-blaming and abuser-sympathizing. Its a sad moment in most male maternal abuse victims lives, and a moment that often becomes a lifelong reality.
Now, lets define an emotionally/psychologically abusive mother. More than likely you know someone like this (or its your mother, or YOU) and you’ve seen some of these behaviors, but probably didn’t equate them with emotional abuse.

General Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Mothers

Making the child/teen feel responsible for the mother’s feelings.
Threatening them in general.
Threatening them specifically with rejection or abandonment.
Threatening them with vague, unstated consequences.
Using force upon them.
Invalidating their feelings.
Laying undeserved guilt on them.
Placing undeserved blame on them.
Dominating the conversations.
Refusing to apologize.
Always needing to have the last word.
Judging or rejecting their friends.
Sending them to their rooms for crying.
Locking them out of the house.
Using punishments and rewards to manipulate and control them.
Invading their privacy.
Under-estimating them.
Failing to show trust in them.
Labeling them.
Criticizing them.
Giving them the silent treatment.
Failing to give them real explanations.
Giving non-explanations such as “because it is wrong” or “because it is inappropriate” or “because it is a sin”

Emotional and psychological abuse leaves SEVERE internal scars that often, if ever, take YEARS to recover from…

add to that, the guise of ‘mommy is always loving, and is always THE VICTIM” perpetuates a constant belief in our society that women are always justified in their actions toward their children, unlike men, who are more easily seen as abusers even when there is little to no evidence to prove that abuse (again, doesn’t mean something didn’t happen, but it points to a wider issue of gender bias in our society).

Saying “I love you” does not mean she is not abusing her children. What often makes female perpetrators virtually undetectable to outsiders is they are often kind and nurturing in public, or even worse, they blame or patronize the boy, in an effort to both win sympathy for themselves, and further enforce their superiority and ‘righteousness’. The son is then often mistaken and/or labeled as disrespectful or abusive to their mother, when in fact, it is often the other way around. Male victims are the only victims not seen as victims, which is why now more than ever, boys need a voice and a way to arm themselves against a society that often blames them for their own abuse, or denies and/or minimizes it.

Signs of Abuse:

Another thing that makes male victims different from female victims is how they often respond to maternal abuse. While female victims of neglectful, emotionally and mentally abusive mothers often sympathize with, or even i ‘defend’, their mothers actions, or act out sexually (another common sign of abuse, but not exclusively related to abuse), male victims often display a very UNIQUE set of characteristics that hint to the abusive behavior. Male victims can also develope feelings of inadequacy, fear and shame that are internalized, partly because they are taught to internalize them. Young male abuse survivors may have trouble in their personal  relationships, at work, and/or difficulty with authority figures (after being abused by a parental authority) as abuse distorts a persons view of themselves and how others, especially authority figures, view them.  Also, male victims may, and often do, display patterns of either ineffective communication with men and/or other boys, as often maternal abusers will equate gender (men) with a sense of ‘wrongness’ in an effort to further internalize the abuse. While these traits may also be present in female victims, they tend to be mostly present in male victims, making boys (and later, men) feel isolated and insecure about the abuse they suffered, and possibly their fractured sense of security.

Another symptom that often plagues most young male maternal abuse survivors is their inability to maintain steady employment. Employment issues are common amongst female abuse victims as well, from constantly being fired, to continuous problems with co-workers and managers. However, male abusers often suffer twice as hard from this turbulent work history for many reasons. One: there is a stigma that men and teenage boys who have don’t work or have troubles either finding or keeping work are ‘lazy’, ‘weak’, or ‘pathetic’, yet this same stigma is not as strong for women or teenage girls, who often receive much more support in terms of emotional, social, monetary assistance. While this support is equally as important for women, it should exist for boys and men as well. This lack of support, combined with the often misandric tone in our social patterns, reaffirms that he (the young man) is “wrong”. Yet still, despite all he goes through, he can still not manage to heal from his internal wounds, because he is denied the right to seek help, or even have his abuse acknowledged by those who were supposed to be there for him.

Combine this with the fact that boys are often blamed and even PUNISHED for speaking up against their mothers means that we have an entire group in our society that often suffers in silence.

Emotional/psychological abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to document yet it is so common in our society. People don’t want to think that a ‘mother’ (and i use that term loosely) can harm her child, but it can and DOES happen. As a youth rights activist and a survivor of emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse at the hands of my mother and her extended family, I seek to widen the definition of what it means to be a survivor of abuse as well as build a network where male abuse survivors can come out and talk about their experiences. By exposing this hidden form of abuse at the hands of their mothers, I hope that other people do not suffer the same as I, and many other boys did, in silence…The more we talk about this issue, the more we realize we are NOT ALONE! Never forget that! Abusers almost NEVER change. But you CAN! The first step to recovering and  healing from any type of abuse is acknowledging that it is ABUSE and not normal! The challenge with this is that most abusers and their victims come from abusive families, making the victim (and the abuser) think that this is normal. BUT YOU CAN BREAK THE CHAIN! ALWAYS seek the help of a THERAPIST or other licensed mental health professional, dealing with those problems on your own can be equally as problematic as the abuse itself!Never give up and remember: YOU ARE YOUR GREATEST WEAPON AGAINST ANY AND ALL ABUSE and most important, YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED! (just not by an abuser)

With much love and courage

-Youthlib2012

Naming the Failures – Lt. Steve Blevins

I wrote this when I was angry.  I let it sit for a few days, so that I could evaluate whether I still wanted to publish it.  I do, and I am still angry.  I’m angry about the way the system failed my children.  I’m angry enough to name names, and today I’m going to call out one name in particular – Lt. Steve Blevins of the Fort Oglethorpe Police Department.  Lt. Blevins failed me and he failed my children by failing to perform his job.  The police officer’s motto is “To Protect and Serve”, and one would think that they would take that seriously, especially when it comes to children.  But not Lt. Steve Blevins.

On Friday, 8/28/2015, my daughter, whom I had not seen in three years, went to school with bruises on her face, arms, and chest.  A teacher noticed, and rightly contacted Georgia DFCS.  The teacher also spoke with my daughter, who did not want to disclose the abuse at that time.  But when she found out DFCS had been contacted, she told them she was afraid to go home.  DFCS then contacted Steve Blevins of the Fort Oglethorpe Police Department.  I wish they had contacted the Catoosa County Sheriff’s Office instead.  When my ex-wife showed up with her mother, they confessed to abusing my daughter, and even produced a video, taken by my son at their instruction, showing part of the abuse. (As a side note, having children witness abuse of another child is a crime in itself). Of course the two of them put the blame on my daughter, but any reasonable person could see that their behavior was abusive.

It was decided then and there that it would not be safe for my daughter to return to her mother’s house.  She was taken into DFCS custody, finally free of the physical and emotional abuses of my ex.  I would like to tell you that the story doesn’t end there.  I would like to tell you that Lt. Blevins arrested my abusive ex and conducted a thorough investigation, that he contacted me or my extended family,  and that he got my daughter in front of a victim advocate to tell her story.  But Lt. Blevins did none of those things.  What he did do was write up a very vague and bland report, and called it a day.  He did no follow up with an investigation at all, but rather sat on the case for six weeks and then marked it “Exceptionally Cleared”, which is cop-speak for “We can’t technically close this case, but we don’t feel like working on it anymore”.

Contrasting Lt. Blevins’ report with the report made by the social worker shows a blatant incompetence and/or apathy on his part.  Several key parts of the narrative that justified the removal of custody, and would have supported a prosecution for a Cruelty to Children charge, were missing.  Phrases like:

“She stated they had “ganged up on her” and that is how she received the bruises on her right arm and right eye” 

“Ms. Singleton [was seen] sitting on [child] while [child] was screaming for Ms. Singleton to stop”

“Ms. Singleton also said something in the video while she was lecturing [child] about “a dumbass kid””

“[Child] stated that her mother and brothers would antagonize her and then when she became so upset they would videotape her”

“[Child] stated that… her mother had taken her drawing, journaling, and walking away privileges away”

“[Child] stated that… her mother reached under her arms and punched her in the eye”

“Ms. Singleton became defensive and told Case Manager Baldridge “Just take her into foster care.  I am fed up with her”

Instead of putting these things in his report, Lt. Blevins uses language that suggests my daughter is responsible for the incident, and it’s just a simple matter of a parent being overwhelmed by an unruly child.   Although he acknowledges there are inconsistencies in Ms. Singleton’s story, he simply takes her word for it that “they were all abused by her husband in Florida”, and doesn’t bother to try and contact me.  I don’t even find out about the incident until more than three moths later, and then he ignores all my attempts to contact him at that time.  It won’t be until I am finally awarded custody of my daughter, ten months after the incident, that she finally gets an interview with an Abuse Advocate at my insistance.

Now you may be asking yourself, “Why is this guy so hung up on the criminal case?  He’s got his daughter back, so what does it matter if his ex gets prosecuted or not?”.  Because my ex still has custody of my two sons.  My sons were not only a witness to this abuse, they were a part of it.  Now, I don’t blame my sons for this.  They are children, and they act at the direction of a parent.  My ex has made them her henchmen in carrying out abusive behavior on their sister.  This is unacceptable.  And no one is there to stop her.  The boys are home schooled, and their computer access and contact with adults are tightly controlled.  I haven’t seen or spoken to them in almost five years.  NO ONE IS WATCHING OUT FOR THEM.  So because Lt. Blevins had little to no interest in Protecting and Serving, my sons remain in the home where their sister has been removed by DFCS and the Georgia Court System, with no oversight whatsoever.

Steve Blevins, you failed me, you failed my daughter, and you failed my sons.  Your failure to act and follow up on this case is negligent, despicable, and shameful. You don’t deserve the badge you wear, and you don’t deserve the respect of the people of Fort Oglethorpe.

10/19/16 – Little Moments

I wanted to post something a little different today.  Most of my posts are about what has happened in the past, or what I hope for in the future.  But for this post I just want to take the opportunity to appreciate a small moment that happened yesterday, a moment I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t have custody of my daughter. 

Haley went on a school field trip yesterday.  It was a long trip up to Georgia with the FFA to an Agricultural Fair.  I had to drop her off early in the morning, and she didn’t return until 8PM that night.  It was a fairly large group going, with three charter buses taking students from several different schools.  When I arrived to pick her up, it was dark.  The parking lot was full of cars, some with parents still in them, while other parents had chosen to get out of their cars and stand around the parking lot to wait.

But I’m not your typical parent.  When the buses arrived, I got up in the bed of my pickup truck.  As soon as the kids got off the bus, I hit the panic alarm.  So there I am, horn honking, lights flashing, standing up in the bed of the truck, grinning and waving my arms like a maniac.  Needless to say, Haley spotted me immediately.  She sprinted to me, laughing like crazy.

That’s the kind of moment that makes me happy to be a father.  That’s the kind of moment that helps me keep it together, when all week long I’ve wanted to fall apart.

10/10/16 – Not Ashamed

This was taken from a post by Time to Put Kids First, at http://timetoputkidsfirst.org/ . Although the words are not originally mine, they read directly from my heart. 

“I’m not ashamed of the false allegations made against me, or of the threats, the restraining orders, or even the jail time I served because of my ex. In times of darkness when I feel like a failure as a parent because I am not ALLOWED to parent, those things make me remember what a great father I truly am! Though I can’t be with them, I have done, and will continue to do, everything in my power to be a part of their lives. Not everyone could live through so much.”

These words speak to me, because I have been through everything listed here.  I was once ashamed of all this.  When the false allegations were first made, I was deeply ashamed of them.  When a person is accused of something so heinous, it is difficult not to FEEL guilty, even when you’re innocent.  I had made my share of parenting mistakes, and when the false accusations came, every one of those mistakes seemed magnified 100x.  I condemned myself over and over.  I found myself confessing to the smallest infractions to anyone who would listen, trying to rid myself of the guilty feelings.  I felt like others believed the accusations as well, and I wanted to hide, to just disappear.  I found it difficult to trust anyone, even my closest family and friends.

After that, the guilt of not being able to protect my children from what was happening to them set in.  In my mind, a father should be able to protect his children from anything.  I felt that it was my responsibility to protect them, no matter what the courts or the cops said.  I spent two weeks in jail after trying to see my daughter.  It took months of therapy to finally accept that I had to release myself of the burden of protecting my children, because legally I could not.  I still don’t know if I have fully accepted that this failure is not my fault.  Even though I faced a mountain of lies and legal judgements, with the might of the police force to back them up, I still sometimes ask myself, “What kind of father am I to let some stranger tell me I can’t talk to my children?”.

But I am healing.  I am releasing that responsibility.  I am accepting that I am a good father, and I deserve to see my children, even though I am being prevented from it.  Every day I spend with my daughter proves to me that I am a worthy parent.  And I am no longer ashamed.  I do not own those lies – my ex does.  And I will not hide any longer.  The truth is on my side.  The courts do not know what is in the best interests of my children, I do.  And I will never stop fighting for them, whether they know it or not.

10/04/16 – Extended family

 

 

I’d like to reminisce a little bit today. This weekend I was given a picture that was taken a long time ago. It was Seth’s adoption photo. In it are many people my children will recognize. Starting from the left, they would be familiar with their mother’s parents, Cheryl and Romeo Gil, with their Uncle Steven standing behind them. Then comes Seth, being held by me. He was so small! But even at that size, he had a big personality. Their now adopted sister Haley is standing in front of me. Hard to believe she was once that short; she is as tall as I am now! I suspect she will eventually be taller than me.

Next to Haley is her brother Charles, who we were also fostering at the time. I don’t know how much they would remember of Charles, since he was removed from the home when I was away at Basic Training, shortly after this picture was taken. Jenn accused Charles of some pretty awful things. In light of what happened to Haley and me, I have to wonder if any of those things were true. It seems just as likely now that Jenn simply did not like Charles, and wasn’t able to parent him in the controlling manner she preferred. I suspect she made up those horrible things about Charles, so that he would be removed from our home “for the safety of the family”. I’m sure that would sound familiar to Aiden and Seth. I wonder who will be next?

Then we have Jenn holding Aiden. Aiden was so happy to be gaining a brother! I hope he’s just as happy about it now. I’m glad they are still together, at least. Behind Jenn is the judge who granted Seth’s adoption to myself and Jenn. Standing next to Jenn is my mother, who the kids called “Grandma Jane”. She misses Aiden and Seth as much as I do. She was thrilled to finally be able to talk to Haley again after so much time, and I know she’ll be just as excited to talk to her grandsons one day. Finally behind Grandma Jane is my Aunt Anna, and her daughter Peggy. Haley was finally able to see them this past weekend.

At one time this family was all together. While we lived in different places, there was nothing stopping any of us from picking up a phone and calling, or making a trip to see another part of the family. At the very least, the children had unfettered access to all of their extended family. While Jenn and I separating was going to be difficult and painful no matter what, my intention was that it be as easy as possible on the children. Our marriage may have been broken, but there was no need for the children to lose so many people who loved them. I know I could have swallowed my pride so that they would still have their entire family. It’s hard to believe that one person would want to cause so much unnecessary pain. It is my greatest wish that ALL of my children will be able to see ALL of their family again one day.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is an uncomfortable reality, a social taboo. As such, it is the least talked about yet most common form of abuse. It is insidious and subjective in nature….Read more here: Emotional Abuse

Here is a list of some of the behaviors that constitute emotional abuse of children.  I hope my boys take a good hard look at this list, and maybe pinpoint some of the treatment that they have experienced, or that they’ve seen their sister subjected to:

– harsh criticism, belittling, labeling
– name-calling
– yelling, screaming or swearing at children
– humiliation or demeaning jokes
– shunning the child from the family (or parts of the family)
– locking kids out of the home to discipline or punish
– denying medical or health care, and safe, clean environments
– unpredictable, unreasonable or extreme reactions
– hostility among family members
– inconsistent or unreasonable demands placed on a child
– ridiculing or humiliating a child in front of others
– threatening to reveal personal or embarrassing information
– leaving a child alone or unattended for long periods of time
– not permitting a child to interact with other children or maintain friendships
– keeping a child from appropriate social and emotional stimulation
– requiring a child stay indoors/in their room or away from peers
– keeping a child from playing with friends and activities s/he enjoys
– not permitting a child to participate in social activities, parties or group/family events
– excessive or extreme punishment for typical childhood behaviors
– encouraging a child to reject friends or social contact/invitations
– encouraging or rewarding unethical or illegal behavior (stealing, cheating, lying, bullying)
– allowing or encouraging children to engage in behavior that is harmful to them or others.
– having expectations beyond the developmental stage of the child
– using blame, shame, judgment or guilt to condemn child for behavior of others
– unreasonable expectations to perform chores or household duties

Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Mothers

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Emotional-Abuse-from-Your-Parents-(for-Adolescents)

9/20/16 – Being Stuck

Well, today I feel stuck. Just absolutely stuck. The pain of missing my children is always there to some degree, but today more than anything I feel completely FRUSTRATED. Helpless. I know where my sons are. I’ve known the address for almost a year. More than anything I want to just jump in my truck and go there. To finally see them, and hug them, and tell them I love them. But knowing their location is not the problem. Getting there is not the problem. There are actually two problems, and they are huge.

The first problem is the law. Restraining orders are handed out like candy, but they are enforced stronger than any law out there. The one issued on me was based on a pack of lies, but getting it removed seems impossible. Everything I’ve done in my life proves I’m not a violent person, but none of that matters. I’ve served my country in the military as a Medic, worked in a prison with ZERO uses of force for nearly ten years, subjected myself to psychological evaluations and taken several classes on parenting. But until the judge says it can come off, I cannot see, speak to, or write to my children, or I will go to jail.

The second problem is their own belief. The last time I spent any time with them, our relationship was great. They wanted to spend time with me. Aiden was sick and still insisted on coming with me. But after the retraining order, their mother started lying to them. Telling them I was dangerous, that I wanted to hurt them, that I’m a bad person, and they’re all better off without me. After years of hearing that, and only that, they believe her. What choice do they have? She’s their mother, and their only source of shelter, food, clothing, and information. When you hold that kind of power over someone, you can make them believe whatever you want, even the complete opposite of the truth.

I wish their mother loved them enough to share them with me. I know that they need their father in their lives, just as I need them in my life. I wish she could see that. I know she hates me, and I can live with that. But to manipulate my children into hating me is not just cruel to me. It’s cruel to them. To separate children from a loving parent is child abuse, pure and simple. And it’s also cruel to their sister, who misses them as much as I do. Aiden and Seth, if you ever get a chance to read this, please know that you mean everything to me, and I will NEVER stop fighting for you.

09/12/2016 – All About Haley

Hi Aiden and Seth, I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you.  Last week was particularly difficult, but I’m doing better this week, I guess.  Still miss you guys a lot.  Thought maybe I could tell you some of the things that are going on with your sister, Haley. 

 

First of all, you should know that the things you’ve been told about Haley are not true.  She has no mental or emotional problems, and did not “take over my role as the abuser”.  That’s just nonsense.  Haley lived at Cherokee Estate for a year, and got along just fine with all the other girls, and even earned herself several privileges there.  She came home to live with me  permanently on August 8th (so over a month ago), and has been doing very well.  She is not on any medication, because she never needed to be.  She is attending church and school, and making friends in both places.  She has her own room.  There is no yelling, or angry slamming of doors, or any need to “restrain” anyone.  On the contrary, having her home has been a blessing, both for her and for me.

Now that you know what’s NOT going on, let me tell you what IS happening.  I know that Jenn took you both out to fun places several times and left Haley home, punishing her due to some infraction, whether real or imagined.  Well, she now has an annual pass at Disney, and we’ve been at least three times.  She’s also been to SeaWorld several times.  She decided to cut her hair short, and she looks fantastic with it that way.  She has joined the Air Force JROTC at school and was already made the first commander of her Freshman class.  So far she’s loving it.  She’s also participating in band.  I got her a trumpet a few weeks ago, she’s been practicing, and getting pretty good.  Last weekend we went to a concert at the House of Blues in Disney Springs, because I know the band.  She’s been going back to the church you were all going to before you left Florida, and is planning a sleepover with one of her friends soon.

I don’t tell you this to make you envious, but to tell you that your sister is a good person. She always has been. She misses both of you guys a lot, and I know she wishes you could be with us when we do these things. We almost always talk about you two when we’re out doing things, and even when we’re just at home hanging out. Your sister loves you, and so do I.

Dad and Haley ready to climb!

Haley kayaking

Special treat!  Lobsters for dinner tonight!

09/08/2016 – Writing Through the Pain

09/08/2016  Thursday

Well, I’m finally writing again.  I never was good at this journal thing, but I’m trying again. The pain is just too great today, I have to find a way to let it out.  Aiden and Seth, I miss you so much.  I have Haley here with me now, and that is great.  She’s doing fantastic.  She’s doing really well in school, and she’s reunited with her friends from church.  But like me, she misses you both very much.  Sometimes she cries.  Sometimes I do, too.

I would give anything to hug you guys once again.  I miss putting you up on my shoulders.  I know you’re both too big for that now, but I still miss it.  I even miss Seth’s talking non-stop.  I know a little about both of you, from what Haley has told me.  I know Aiden wants to be a pilot, and loves to cook out on the grill.  I know Seth is an amazing singer, and even does opera singing!  I wish so much that I could talk to you about these things.

I’ve missed you both every single day, but for some reason, today it hurts more than it has in a long time.  I try to stay hopeful, but lately it seems like hope is nothing more than a tease for me, a promise that continually goes unfulfilled.  I’ve wanted to cry all day.  I wonder if you guys ever miss me.


I miss when I used to participate in Seth and Aiden’s Tae Kwon Do class.  I was so proud of both of them, and I loved being a part of their lives!

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Aiden Singleton

Seth Singleton

Aiden James Singleton

Seth Romeo Singleton

Haley Singleton

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https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e7/Aiden_Seth_Dad_at_karate.jpeg